Moments from my heart journey. Spontaneous and unrefined revelation.

Friday, November 24, 2006

I cut an pasted this blog from an email to my mom, so its very true and personal to me, and yet vague in a way that email can't help but be when summarizing weeks of life in a different sort of setting. I do the best i can, to give valid tidbits.

Denea had a visual picture "prophecy" for me this morning in worship and class time. She said that she saw a picture frame with me in it, all cute and smiling, and it was shattered. totally shattered my face. and then she saw another picture of me that was glowing and shining so bright you could hardly look at it. And i share that because that is accurately how i feel what God has been doing, shattering my old image, so that his glory may be displayed and his presence and power and love revealed more fully in my life...... so i look forward to the shining part. mean while i have to remind myself not to try to put back the pieces of my picture myself to try to patch my own identity but to relax and remain open to the Spirit and the work God is working in me. A life change.

it feels like i'll be home so soon, and i have no idea what i'll do from there. at the moment i'd like to try to go camping as much as possible and spend more time with the Lord just building on intimacy, because i am finding one thing true, there is no short cut to intimacy, and there is no power in ministry without it, nor abundance in life. So this has just been a good enforcer of that for me. God is just subtly solidifying some of his deep truths in my heart, intimacy with him being the main one. the other truths he is showing me are just to make more room for that.


Also he has shown me that he will keep filling me with his love and power and grace and joy. Everyday he has an abundant supply of himself for me and the whole world, so i really don't have to hang on so tightly but can give freely because I know that he will fill me again everytime i come to him. This seems simple and true, but he is teaching it to my spirit in a way I never accepted before. I'll definitely elaborate on it in person. But he is showing me that it is ok to "hunger and thirst for justice" because indeed he will fill me. Its ok for me to open my eyes and heart to the insane needs in the world and in the people around me, because his love is big enough and powerful enough for each of us and our deepest and most basic needs. And he will fill me again. He will empower us to give something of power, something of his own love, and then he will fill us again. A continuous flow. And I am eager to accept his gifts more and more so that I can love in power. Because as Heidi likes to put it when she is feeling rascally and challenging, "love has teeth" its not just words, or a hug or a prayer, for the poor, good news is also bread and water and clothes and safety and health and a living God!

Friday, November 03, 2006

I'm writing from the office here on base at Iris Ministries. We pay 2 dollars for 15minute slots to try to help pay for the computer. its easier than going into town. and so far its faster too. i'm learning some portuguese "poco mais,poco mais" everyday from the pastors training here. lots of them want to learn english too. so sometimes i think or pray a few words in portuguese now. its fun to try to learn, they are very forgiving, full of joy. I went to the 'toddler house' last night to help tuck in and pray with the kids. they are soo good and sweet to each other. 20ish kids with 2-3 'moms' to watch them all the time. they were soo cute. very encouraging to my heart.

it has been a challenge to adjust to the begging constantly from almost every mozambiquan, not so much the ones at the center, but the kids come off the street too and sit with us under the tent and wander around the center all the time. they have a guard and a gate, but the kids are more or less harmless and can fit through the slats in the gate. its hard to find the balance in wanting to give and still keep watch or shoes on or shirts on. i'm learning to differentiate the voice of condemnation from the enemy or conviction from the spirit.

the last few days i have felt more and more freedom to be myself and branch out a little more, I am trusting God for my peace again, and he is giving me more joy at the same time.

We have been worshipping a few times this week with a song about "giving up my life that he might have the reward for his suffering" very sweet and passionate song. tonight God showed me that me coming into him, totally into the inner courts with him and an intmate relationship with him, that is what he died for, that is what he suffered for. I am the reward for his suffering. He suffered that he might have a close intimate relationship with us..... it just hit me in a new way. and is part of how he is whooing my heart to him more. Which is the whole deal, fruit comes from intimacy, so that is the journey I am on.

He is faithful to complete the work he has begun!! hallelujah.

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Im Here

Well here we are. I'm sitting on Denea's lap in an internet cafe in Pemba. We just bought a peach soda down the street and handed one to a handicap guy selling pens. everywhere we go there are people wanting to sell jewlry and have long stories about how long its been since they've eaten. God is challenging my "ändrea theology", I am finding out that the gospel of andrea is not enough. The gospel of Jesus is the only one big enough, the whole story. He is very big. God is up to much more in the world and with all nations and bringing his people to him, much more than I really believed.

Culture shock you might wonder? yes, for sure. But good. very good. There are people everywhere, God has brought all kinds of people to school here (Russia, Norway, Brazil, Holland.....) and little kids running around everywhere, and begging kids at the beach, and new pastors from villages in Mozambique, who act very quite and humble to us because of the language and culture barriers.

We spend hours and hours a day just worshipping, and thats what they call class. Deliverance and crazy kinds of hallelujah expressions... Its a very animated scene, and a whole different culture shock.

I have been sitting in the courtyard of the Kingdom of God, and happy to tell about the great things inside, but now he is inviting me inside. He always has been, but I have not wanted to go. It is one thing to know about the work of the kingdom of God and it is another to be a part of it myself. scary. but God is patient in bringing me in.

Love you guys,

I will probably not write more than once every week or two, but i'm journalling so i can fill you in later. P.s. i do kinda like this place

Andrea

Thursday, October 19, 2006

transition between chapters - "At Home"

This week has seemed quite long enough, as has the whole month, and I there is a part of me that is very ready to just go ahead and be there. Its kind of like the feeling that one might have after finishing up a semester of school in another state, and can't return home for several weeks, but is really done with what they came to do at that place for that time.... and looking forward to going home, but can't yet. Thats how I feel, even though I am 'home' in Allen techinically. This has become more of my launch pad, where I touch down and rest between new places and journeys and temporary homes. Of course I know that this world altogether is not my home, but also I know that God has brought a chapter to a close in my life, and the next one starts in Mozambique. That is my next temporary home. And the thing about my temporary homes is, that because it is God who designs them and goes before me and behind me in them, wherever they are they are strangely comfortable and familiar, even if I've never been there before, and i think even if I don't speak the language(that theory is about to be tested). That is the gentleness of God in my life, I feel very at home in him. (As King James would say, I feel at home because I know that he is with me withersoever I goest)

So here I am, resting in transition, and also anxious to move on.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

Destination: Pemba, Mozambique

Pemba Center
Where I will be staying for 7 of the next 10 weeks.
These are all pics from the mission center I will be at in Mozambique.

The Holy Given School of Missions has a required list of books to read before we finish school. I have read almost all of them already so that I don't have to carry them along in luggage, and although I don't like to finish books, I have finished these, and they have been awesome.

Book List

Some of them particularly life changing and faith challenging. I recommend any of them. My favorites were "There is Always Enough" which explains the idea/faith behind the whole ministry I will be with in Mozambique; "Peace Child" which is the story of a missionary to a cannabal tribe and how they were changed with the power of the gospel, and "Like a Mighty Wind" which is the story of what happened to a small Indonesian church when the Holy Spirit brought his own revival there. All of them are quick to read and narrative, story style. Some of my new favorite books. If you read just one, and want to understand what I am doing/think i am doing, read "There is Always Enough" by Heidi and Rolland Baker, the missionaries who started the ministry 10 plus years ago that now includes the school I will be attending.

Durango Half Marathon!! (click here for pic)

Yes I actually did it! To all my doubtful adoring fans.... I did actually train a little, and even when I didn't feel like it, and even when I had a super bad attitude, and we did actually finish the race on our feet. This link is to a picture from the run. Also, at this website:
Marathon Pics

if you type in bib # 599 you can see Denea in blue, or 530 and 531 for Les/Jenny who also ran with us. I'm sure they would be delighted for you to see them all sweaty and happy. We had an awesome trip, in my opinion way too much fun for just running 13 miles. I think I'll have to do it again sometime. God is so good to me, he doesn't just make things do-able for me, he makes them fun and surrounds me with amazing friends and encouragers along the way. Of course I think I can do anything, after all the support he has always given me.. He is good.

Thursday, August 31, 2006

Rach at Yosemite

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Denea at Yosemite

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just a cup of coffee?

8/23/06

I woke up early this morning, not just early for me, early by regular standards, 5:00. I read for a couple hours, hoping that I’d be able to sleep again after than, but to my dismay, was actually ready to get up at 7 am. Not knowing what to do with myself, two sleeping friends in my apartment, I quietly got ready and snuck out of the house.

With no particular end in mind, I found myself here at a park (whose name I haven’t bothered to notice in the 10 plus times I’ve been here) Sitting down at a bench looking over the water with McDonald’s hotcakes and coffee. (Yes I am an American, and I’m really better at it than I’d like to admit.) Although I’m not all that used to going through the drive through for breakfast… which is how I forgot to ask for creamer or sweetener for my coffee. Its been a long time since I tried to drink coffee plain, like a good old farmer.

That’s who I think of when I think of black coffee. Old farmers. They are some of the only people really tough enough to genuinely like it that way. My generation is just a bit too sissy for that.

But God brought to my mind such a sweet memory of coffee, like the value of a cup of cold water can mean so much in the name of the Lord… When I was 16 and on a trip with Teen Missions to Trinidad and Tobago, we were working quite hard physically for a month, much harder than any of us had worked before, and personally since. Building a building for a church. We stayed in pastor Gerald Samaroo’s house that month. All of us teenagers, none of us really drank coffee. But for Pastor G…. we all suddenly loved coffee. Every day he would invite two different kids to join him for a special treat, Trinidad coffee with mounds of sugar and creamer. That we enjoyed it so much probably had something to do with the fact that we were getting a break from working in the mud/sun. It really was so special to us though.

The hard work, really it was very fulfilling, and definitely good for us… but something about that special break. In a time when I thought I was very grown up, it made me feel like a little kid, and full of joy at being one. That’s good for anybody, I don’t care who you are or how old you are.

And I know I am part of a generation and culture that is known for valuing comforts and rewards more than hard work and effort and we often times are accused of looking only for immediate satisfaction and avoid the journey/suffering/commitment that could be involved. But… while I do acknowledge that hard work and endurance and pain and suffering have value and purpose, I also believe that I serve a God who likes to pull me aside and sit me down for syrupy coffee sometimes in the middle of the journey.

He wants to remind me of his love for me! And it is that love that gives me joy in my work and in my life. It is his love that compels me. It is his love that is my purpose.

I think that’s part of what God was doing in Nehemiah 8:10 when in the middle of their work, he called them aside that they would be reminded to enjoy him, and he renewed their joy.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

From a child's perspective

You know we can use such 'churchy' words without noticing. This is a fun example:

I was at camp a few weeks ago with 5-7 graders from the neighborhood. Most of these kids have been with us on Wednesday nights for the last year at least, hearing stories of God.
Well on the last night, several of the girls and I were laying on the sidewalk looking up at the stars and 'listening for God'. The camp director, came by and pointed out a large cloud, and said "look, it looks like a dove, that represents the peace of God. Isn't that cool." And then he walked off.
One of the girls wondered out loud what several of them were thinking, "A dove? Whats that? It means the peace of God?"
Tramesha answered, "Yeah, but its just a small piece of God, he's really big, and he's in things all over the whole world."

I started cracking up. They all said, 'whats so funny,'... 'she must have got something'... 'God must have told her something'... 'what'd he say'...'what'd he give you'???
"He gave me you guys."

Called Oaks of Righteousness

"And they shall be called Oaks of Righteousness.... a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor."
(Isaiah 60)

A brief background. This week, God is showing me something anew, a foundation of faith in my life, he is creating anew. About the Power of His Spoken Word. That it does not return void without accomplishing his purpose. And that in him is Life, and Resurrection Life, continual and natural victory over death. He spoke a word, and there has been light ever since. He does not have to recreate it everyday. He spoke plants into existence, and they have been growing and multiplying ever since. Not because the ground produces life on its own, in fact by nature it causes decay, but because the nature of God which flows through his creation, is of life. To take a tiny hard seed, and put it in an unlikely place of darkness and decay and to create victory breaking forth to light and life (and by no effort of its own, only by the power and word of God)..... This concept although not so new to my mind, is being made new in my spirit, and it is such good news. I am full of joy.

...

This morning after work I went by Spirit Ranch for a 'good morning' with James and a little quite time with God on what is fast becoming one of my favorite breakfast nooks and a place for Java with Jesus: James's back porch.

God caught my eye and impressed me with his majesty in a simple thing. A huge tree leaning over the water, with the sunlight reflecting off the water onto the underside of the branches, just dancing with light, leaves flickering in the air, huge trunk and aged branches firmly standing.... It was sweet. But sweeter was the voice of God, whispering through that picture... And they shall be called oaks of righteousness. Immediately I knew that he was speaking of the kids, the neighborhood kids. My spirit jumped for joy inside of me.. Shenoka, even Shenoka. Patrick, Jarmarlyn.... Raylan, Desiree... (maybe any that I will believe for)... A planting of the Lord. For the display of His splendor.

from tiny seeds in unlikely soil, God will bring life. Life, victorious life. Death will be shamed in the face of it. He will display his splendor, and he is chosing to do it in the 'least of these.'

Monday, May 08, 2006

i'm not the answer

Its not really about me. Its not about me at all. I'm not it, I'm not the answer for these kids. I'm not the answer for their families, I'm not the answer for the world or for poverty or for poverty of spirit or the answer for any need anyone ever had or will have. I'm not it.

But God is, and Jesus is the way. He is love, all love, all power, all provision. For anyone. For everyone. For any need, for all needs. He is sufficient. He is abundant in life.

I feel today that I live a double life. I am a have, in a world of have nots. I go play with kids all day who have nothing physically and less support spiritually and emotionally... and then I spend the night or the next day doing whatever I want and having whatever I want and resting in peace and safety when I need to... I have everything. I even have hope. And a God who loves me and tells me I'm worth something.

Somehow, this is the cries of my heart tonight. Why God? And How? why is this world so hard, and how do you love? How do you break through with love?

He answers..wait...keep loving... keep letting me love... you aren't the answer. I am. I AM.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Dean and Lola

Doesn't he make a great Dad. (Lola is 13mnths now) Its kind of strange to see the boy I grew up playing armies with be such a great Dad for a little Lola in pink. He makes me proud.
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Monday, April 24, 2006

Emma's wisdom

After several months of encouragement from James, I went to visit with an 83 year old lady who attends church where I do some outreach stuff, and who lives across the parking lot from some of the wildest neighborhood kids I know right now. Emma Hollaway. What a treasure. She is so articulate and her thinking not a bit old fashioned, but very wise and experienced and still open to learning more about who God is. She had many good tidbits of wisdom to share and I'll share some that I remember:

"Its important to remember that life is a journey, you have to enjoy it along the way. Its important to enjoy it, every moment as you go."

"People are important."

"Practice positive self talk. Say what Jesus says about you, that he loves you and that he lives in you. Christ lives in you. And he's all around you. He will never leave you or forsake you. He will never leave you. He loves you. You have to remind yourself of that often."

"I learned the more about God working in retail sales than I ever did in Bible school or raising my family. Just learned about him through people."

"I enjoy people. All kinds of people. I like almost everybody."

"(with addimate hand gestures) Fears... you've got to go towards them, face them and go towards them, you can't walk away or hide from them, just face them. It talks about that in the Bible, always go forward not looking at whats behind... You can't live in fear. It just paralyzes you. You've just got to press in to it, and go forward"

"when it comes time for me to die, I want to be so close with the Lord that its just like i'm holding his hand now and we just cross over together, my hand in his."


She is precious to share and I look forward to sharing more with you all when I see her again.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Changed in angry mob clothes

You may be familiar with the song "Watch the Lamb" by Ray Boltz. It was written to lean itself to video/dramatization. Its based on the perspective of a bystander with 2 sons coming to Jerusalem for Passover and getting trapped in the mob pushing to crucify Jesus... We did a silent skit going along with the song today at Vandelia's church service. I was part of the angry mob, along with some of the sweetest hearted old ladies. (I am brought to tears again remembering two of them in tears about playing such a role) It was quite a challenging experience for all of us to look angry and beligerent and hateful and physically assaultive to Jesus as he stumbled across the stage to Golgotha. We acted to look in disgust and shout in ridicule and spit and kick and hurl abuse... It was hard for all of us to get through it without sobbing at the outright frank injustice and paradox of it all. At the incredible power of grace and the horrible/wonderful idea that Jesus really did die for the angry mob. I didn't think about it until sitting through the rest of the worship service in my angry mob sheet/costume. We went up to the front to get communion, and the preacher said "don't everyone come up at once" And i thought in my heart, "Yes everyone, come to Jesus, run to him, recieve him, let him recieve you" and then later as i was about to go up, I thought, "wait, no, i can't go in these clothes, these are my angry mob clothes, i was just in the angry mob that kicked and spit on and hated him" But then God reminded me, "He came for the angry mob, he died for the angry mob. I love the angry mob." Whom else became believers and followers of Christ later in Acts when Peter preached, but those who had been there in Jerusalem that day, the angry mob. 'While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us'

I hope to God, that the feeling I had today, and that memory is only a foretaste of what I will see, what we will all see to come, Angry mobs being changed by Christ into worshipers and passionate lovers of God.

my new prayer is this: "I want to see angry mobs changed to worshipers and lovers of God"

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Least of These

This song has recently become a favorite as i have just been introduced to this artist. I found my self singing it over and over to myself as i was taking care of a patient last night at work who had some very chronic and dibilitating illnesses and low quality of life and no family around, totally dependent on care (and that from a guardian assigned by the state).. this song, (or the one line of it that i could remember, was a very good attitude check for me)

Least of These - song by Lane Oliver

judgement and lies, why do you critize
judgemental ears why can't you hear their crys
cuz your only thinking about yourself....
and your only looking to your left when you know whats right and you decide to run

what you have done to the least of these.. you have also done to me
to see beyond what you can see to a heart thats broken

alone on the run, the damage already done
they look for a hand to lovingly lead them home

but your standing in the blink of an eye
for another blessing to fall from the sky
you've perfected blindness as your comfort zone

what you have done to the least of these.. you have also done to me
to see beyond what you can see to a heart thats broken
cuz You were once in bondage too
but someone else's love saw you
You meet me when you meet their needs
Lay down your life for the least of these

Because you make the blind to see, you can meet my deapest need
Because you gave up everything and chose to die, I can live

here in your presence there's no doubt
you are eternal living God, so I am giving you my all

[you are my hands you are my feet my flesh and blood that they can see
awaken from the rising sleep thats falling on your eyes]

what you have done to the least of these you have also done to me
to see beyond what you can see to a heart thats broken
cuz You were once in bondage too
but someone else's love saw you
You meet me when you meet their needs
Lay down your life for the least of these

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

DO NOT KNOCK (please?)

Because Denea and I work nights we are often wanting to sleep in the afternoons till 3 or 4 or even 5 before going to work again the next night. But as we all know school gets out at 3, and kids don't even go to school on weekends. So anytime after 3 or on weekends is prime play time for them. Because many of them come knocking to play, and are very persistent about knocking, we've tried to set some limits, and even with consequences. We put a little sign on the door knob that says "Please Do Not Knock" and let them know that if they knock while that sign is up, they are grounded and we aren't going to play with them that day or for a week. And even if the sign is down we may have forgotten it, so don't knock more than once.

Last week a new set of kids who live 6-8 blocks down decided to venture over. So we had to initiate them into the rules. But these are sneakier than most kids. So the first time they woke us up, i'm pretty sure they had seen the sign and taken it off, as if, if it wasn't on the door when we woke up, we wouldn't be sleeping and we'd want to play. Just like little kids who think in a game of hide-n-seek if they cover their eyes they can't be found. Even as grouchy as I am being woken up in the middle of "the night", They are so cute...

Perhaps thats part of the reason God says 'unless you come to me like one of these children, you have no part of me'. Kids have no concern for such notions of unwelcomeness from those whom they trust to love them.

(Note: we found the sign lying on the ground with dirty shoe prints on it)

a real RN

Well good news, I am enjoying my job. After a few weeks of attitude adjustment, and beginning to accept finally, the place God has me in right now working in the hospital.. I found myself not only tolerating my work better, but actually enjoying what I do. (there have been many moments before of enjoying/appreciating my job, but this is the first time I enjoyed the whole thing)
I actually ENJOYED being a nurse the last week!
who knew.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

neighbor friends


This is an old pic of some neighborhood friends. Denea and I took Desiree and Raylan out to eat pizza tonight. They are the best behaving brother and sister I have ever known. They are hilarious to be around, just being themselves. Destinee is the other kid in the picture, she moved away from this apt. but is still Desiree's best friend. She was a very grown up acting little 6 year old.

James and I



Can you guess what we are doing? I'll give you a hint, my whole family is in the room, so we of course aren't intentionally making fools of ourselves. Posted by Picasa

Kyle put us up to it

 
We were trying to catch Kyle's flying grapes from across the room. I know you'd be surprised to find out that we were unsuccessful except in getting hit in the face several times. Posted by Picasa

take up my cross?

Ok so I am going to have to get better at this if I am going to use this as my main communication tool huh?

This is an excerpt from "God Calling" A book of words from God as given to two unnamed listeners. Editted by A.J. Russell I highly recommend it. this is from the March 15th entry: "Remember, you are only an instrument. Not yours to decide how or when or where you act. I plan all that....Mine is the Cross on which the burdens of the world are laid. How foolish is any one of My disciples who seeks to bear his own burdens, when there is only one place for them- My Cross.
It is like a wary man on a hot and dusty road, bearing a heavy load, when all plans have been for its carriage. The road, the scenery, flowers, beauty around -- all are lost.
But, My children, you may think I did say, "Take up your cross daily, and follow Me."
Yes, but the cross given to each one of you is only a cross provided on which you can crucify the self of your that hinders progress and Joy, and prevents the flow through your being of my invigorating Life and Spirit.
Listen to Me, love Me, joy in Me. Rejoice."


This was good and bad news to me as I am learning to crucify self. This message of taking up your cross daily... A dear friend of mine, James, began teaching me about that over 8 years ago, and I am finally starting to get it.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

flying by faith

I was listening to some tape from Bill Johnson with some friends yesterday, and learned something new about what it means to walk by faith. One of the new ideas I heard were: Jesus didn't preach in parables just to be illustrations, but to hide the mysteries of the kingdom of God from those who would not believe so that he could reveal them to those who search and believe.

God is still revealing his kingdom to those who are hungry for more. He delights in mystery because he delights in revealing his truth. He wants us to want him, and to want more of him. He wants me to trust him, even when I dont understand, He wants me to walk in obedience to what he has revealed and in that he will continue to reveal himself. But he wants me to trust him before I see the whole picture. And as I walk in obedience in faith, he reveals himself. Tonight I woke up with Hebrews 11:6 in my mind, "but without faith it is impossible to please God, for he that comes to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of those who diligently seek him"

Example for me: I have to keep working at the hospital and if I do it in faith that God is working even though i don't get it, I'll enjoy it. (which I have been the last few days) Or if i continue to obey begrudgingly as if God better change something or show me something quick, then I'll hate it as I have.

I am practicing discipline now by starting to work out at a gym. Those of you who know me, know this is really quite a stretch. While you may find me playing tennis on any one of the top 20 best weather days of the year, you will probably never find me working out consistently, because i usually simply don't feel like it and thats good enough reason for me not to go. Anyway so this is a new test for myself. So yesterday I was walking on their walking track, its on the roof of the sixth floor, and I saw a little sparrow type bird. The others were flying/hopping around not sitting still at all, but this one caught my attention, and i made up my mind to keep watching it until it moved. What would make it move? I did not know, and I still don't know. But suddenly it plunged off the side as if it were sky diving, like a fat little rock it looked, wings tucked in, just dove, and plummeted down past my site.

It suddenly occured to me that birds are very brave!

But they are as I assume all of creation is except us, very good at being obedient, they have no problem at all being who God created them to be, and doing exactly what he has them to do, and being content under his authority. This little dive bombing bird is a very good example to me, and for the glory of God. Although I am not yet sure what that sort of trust and obedience will look like for my life. (because i did not feel led to jump off the roof of the 6th story.)

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Links to Fellow missions Blogs

Melissa This is my friend, and fellow missionary who is my role model in many things, one of them being, communicating and blog making.

Nicolle This is my CA friend and also fellow missionary who I love to be around and who's stories I hope you will enjoy.

Friday, February 24, 2006

learning obedience

I hate my job. Many things about it. In so many ways my responsibilities in being an ICU nurse, seem to go against some of my deepest values and ideas. And of course I am looking forward to something else, something better in my opinion, where I can invest in the things I value most. That doesn't help me be content in this uncomfortable time and place and position God has me in now. I am very adimately (even ridiculously) resistant to the routine duties I have as a nurse. And its becoming more and more of a problem for me, so much so that it truly will be a miracle if either I don't quit before even my year contract is up in August or if I don't loose my license because of something I stubbornly refuse to care about.

I was being honest with my roommate about this again after work this morning. And she was being honest with me, which is so hard to swallow when I am being so stubbornly wrong about this. Feeling very desperate inside, and wanting so badly to squirm out from this pressure instead of finishing my lesson in it, I said "something has got to change, I really don't know if I can make it through this, even one day at a time."

And she so accurately reminded me that the something that has to change is me. (of course anyone else knew that already, but I did not, and still quite frankly don't want that to be the answer) But she pointed out to me that in this, OBEDIENCE is the point, thats what God is after, even when I don't like it or understand why or want to do it, or feel like it. God wants me to do my best anyway, out of obedience to him.

God got to me this morning. Wed. night I had been teaching the kids about Abraham and Isaac in Gen 22. And asked God to reveal more to us about what he was doing in that story and why he would ask Abraham to sacrifice his only son. Abraham had waited till he was 100yrs old for the promise of God in a son. A son whom God had promised so much through. And then after a little while, God asked Abe to give him back. Now if I had been Abe, I know what I would have done, because thats what I am doing now in nursing. I would have said, why God, you gave him to me, you are the one who promised to bless nations through me and through him, why would you ask me to sacrifice him, that doesn't sound like you God, surely you wouldn't ask me to do something that seems so contrary to your ultimate plan and purposes. What good could that possibly to, isn't there some other way, something not so drastic, something that makes more sense, and seems more inline with you..... "No Andrea, what I want from you is to trust me unconditionally, and to be obedient unconditionally, because I want you to love me unconditionally. Just as I wanted from Abraham. And just as I have given you in my son, unconditional love, and sacrfice to prove it. A son who was Unconditionally Obedient, because he Unconditionally Trusted, me to be God, and to be good and to be sovreign, and to be a God who Loves Unconditionally." "Yes Andrea, I love you that much, see..."

I could not help but sob as he began revealing this to me. Sobbing both because I know it means I have to give up my selfishness in this, and because I am overwhelmed again by his love.

And now he challenges me, he is testing my faith, and faithfulness to him, how good do I believe he is, do I trust him. Do I believe in his love for me, for us all. Do I trust more in him or more in the plans as I see them reflecting him.

I am challenged to Unconditionally Obedience, because He is Faithful, and He is God who Unconditionally Loves. and his ways are higher than my ways....

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Monday, February 20, 2006

Lola and Jessica

 
This is my neice Lola! Posted by Picasa

latest big idea

Iris Ministries

This is my latest idea on for the next episode of "Where in the World is Andrea?" A 3 month mission school in Mozambique. They speak Portuguese! (no I don't speak portuguese, but I do speak some Spanish, which is very close, much closer than english is to swahili at least) They have a class starting at the end of October 2006 so thats kinda the plan for starting.

Holy Given International School of Missions
This is practice for me before I go overseas so maybe I will be better at updating and able to send pictures or sounds at times, if I can figure all this out by then. My good friend Melissa is my model for missionary communication so I'm getting lessons in building a blog.